You sweat, you cry, you swear, you sweat, cry, and swear some more as you walk that treadmill, ride that stationary bike, dance to the oldies, do those power walks around the block, or jump on that mini-trampoline you got a long time ago, but only recently started using. While you're doing all that, you ask yourself repeatedly what the hell you were thinking when you decided to shake things up and peel off some layers, because your body is throwing a temper tantrum and yelling at you that it's just not going to take that kind of abuse standing up.

But, you realize that people are counting on you to prove to them that peeling off the layers isn't as hopeless as it feels. You realize they're looking to you for support and encouragement. You realize that instead of just telling people to watch those stupid  "Biggest Loser" shows, in which rolie-polies are bossed around by skinny people and subjected to the most humiliating of experiences, they can accomplish those same things all by themselves, just like you can. And you realize that you do this every time you waffle on your program, every time you skip your regimen, every time you root yourself to the couch or chair instead of getting your butt in gear and getting out for some exercise.

So, what's a rolie-polie to do when you know people are counting on you, and when you know you're letting them (as well as yourself) down by waffling all the time instead of sticking to the program?  Why is it so hard to stick to a good program, anyway?  Is it a fear thing?  I mean, it's not that I don't want to peel off the layers - I most certainly do! - it's that I keep running into the same wall; the wall that hits me about a week or so into my program and makes me renege on myself.  Why do I do that?  Why do you do that?

It's pretty hard to keep up appearances when you know that people are going to see that you haven't peeled any layers away.  How do you justify that? How do you rationalize that in your head so that it doesn't sound as hypocritical as it really is?

All I can do is keep trying, to keep pushing at whatever barriers are getting in the way of my ability to stick to what I know works.   I can't use the excuse that I don't have anyone to work out with, because that's not true; my friend Teri has offered to work out with me, and I turned her down.  Why I did that, I honestly don't know.  And using the weather as an excuse doesn't quite cut the mustard, either, because when it's been nice enough for me to get outside, I've just let the opportunities slide right on by.

Maybe I have to shift my perspective. Maybe this is so difficult for me because I'm not looking at it in a way that would be helpful instead of defeating. I know I'm not trying to peel off the layers for anyone other than myself (been there, done that, ended up putting them all back on and then some), so what else is there that's stopping me from getting this bloody fat suit off of me?  Am I just not angry enough?  I can feel that I'm at my snapping point, and that I've been there for some time, but I can't seem to get out of the gate and keep moving.

Whatever is holding me back had better let me go, because I'm really frustrated with the constant smashing into the wall, and I'm at the point where I'm finding it harder and harder not to lash out at myself because of it...